When you say you love me...

Do you really mean it. Honestly. Deep down, in the deepest part of your heart, is there love? Or are you saying "I love you" out of habit. We are taught from early childhood. "This is mommy this is daddy this is grandma and grandpa. We love them. NO MATTER WHAT." There are no conditions to this love, you are taught that this is your family. They are the ones who are supposed to be there till then end. The ones you can turn to when no one is there. The ones who, above anything else, reciprocate this unconditional love.

Now, lets go to the real world. Where all of that happy fuzzy feeling nonsense goes right out the window.

Love by definition is a strong positive emotion of regard and affection; used often as terms of endearment. I feel that in today's society, love is thrown around without thinking of the impact that this small 4 letter word has on a person. Battles have been raged and fought in the name of love. Almost every top 40 song has something to do with love. People have killed others for not loving them enough, or for them loving the other too much. Love is a painful emotion, and one of the deadliest out there. It can cut your quick, like a knife, or it can be the cooling balm to your burning heart.

The Love which so many christians boast about, is in a word, fake. It is simply nonexistent. There is no such thing as unconditional love. We are human. Made of mistakes and faults. Every person, regardless of stance or creed, will at one time in their life, judge someone that they love unfairly and put a "condition" on their interaction with that person. That is the way it works. That is human nature. There is no "but jesus can help you look past someones faults." or "Jesus loves you, just hates your actions." Please. save your breath. Your going to need it when I'm trying to strangle you. The idea that this all mighty all power man "loves" me but if I don't do everything he says, exactly how he says it, unfortunately, I get sent to a fiery furnace where, and I quote from the KJV, Matthew 13:42 "...and there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth." You must be drugged. To believe in such a thing, how utterly depressing. How could you stand to wake up in the mornings, knowing that, today, if I mess up, that could send me to hell. I wake up in the morning, drink my coffee, smoke a cigarette, and then go about my random things through the day. I smile. I laugh. I live my life according to my own moral code and no one Else's.

So now, lets go back to the family definition of love; which is you love them no matter what, regardless. Why is this the message we are teaching to our children? Why should they "love" just because that is their relative? I love my best friend more than I love my mother. That is because her actions reflect those of someone who loves me back, without putting conditions on our relationship. I cannot say the same about my mother, or any other family member that I have. Lets take my grandmother for example. She, being the devote and amazing pentecostal women she is, is the perfect example of how christian love really works. This is a portion of her email she sent me this morning, around 7:30am,

We hope to leave early Friday am to go to PA (with 4 stops on the way). It is a shame that you are not acting right, or you could have joined us. We are on the committee this year, so lots of fun things going on. Will think of you!!! There are so many things wrong, with just that tiny section of the email. I do not know where to begin. But, I'm going to dive in anyways and hope I come out still breathing. 1. It is a shame you are not acting right or you could have joined us. First off, let me say. THIS IS NOT AN ACT. I am not going through a phase. I am not trying to let some anger out. I am not trying to embarrass you. This is a life choice for me. I want to know more. I want to challenge more. I want no part in the things you do and say. I would not want to be you on my worst day. There is no room for hate in my heart. I will not be vindictive, or cruel, or mentally abusive. Not to you or anyone. So therefore, because I won't break down the human spirit, I cannot be a christian. The fact that you think I'm not "acting" right, is just another example of how you really don't see what it is you've become. That is hurtful, no matter how thick my skin may be or how determined I am to stand up for this. It still hurts. It cuts like a searing knife. This is/was supposed to be my family. My rock. The ones who cared. But in reality, they are the ones who turn their backs the fastest, the ones who are the first to say "your an atheist. stay the fuck away." well It's nice to know your true christian colors. I love that you follow that ever so important "golden rule" so well. KJV Matthew 7:12 states "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.." Gee wait. now I'm confused. You want me to barrad you and treat you like crap... well okay... 2.Lots of fun things going on! will think of you!!! So wait, not only do you email me to tell me that I am definitely not invited, but you have to remind me of the things I will be missing out on. And then, as if their wasn't enough salt in this wound, you add that you'll think about me. Please. this is just silly. If you weren't so cold and heartless, I would be there and you wouldn't have to think about me. I don't understand how your bible teaches "everlasting love", KJV Jeremiah 31:3, "... I have loved thee with an everlasting love." but yet you stand in front of me and treat me lower than the dirt. I would not talk to my worst enemy this way. I would love some feedback on this topic. Tell me about your experiences. Tell me about your opinions on "everlasting and unconditional" love.

Curiousity killed my faith, not my sass

If you talk to me for more than two minutes. You will soon come to the conclusion I am not shy about sharing any opinion I have. I suffered in silence for too long.

No longer will I be the one in the shadows, agreeing in my heart but too afraid to speak out.

No longer will I be the one watching people abuse and tear down the ones I love.

No longer will I be the one who doesn't have the courage to stand up for herself.

No longer will I be the one who backs away from confrontation.

No longer will I be the one who checks her opinions at the door at Christmas dinner so that I can "play nice" with my family.

I will. speak. my. mind.

I had a conversation today with squishy about christians and their inability to accept others questioning their beliefs. The term that seems to be a particular favorite to use whenever someone quotes something from THEIR bible that contradicts them or their actions is "Your taking it out of context." well. newsflash here. You do it all the time. I cannot tell you how many christians I know that pull a piece here and a piece there and then put them together to make one thought. Why is it okay for you to question me, but I cannot question you.

Case in point: Bus Driver.

This is just silly. How can you not accept the fact that their are indeed people. and quiet numerous at that, who do not agree with you and who are going to ask you to defend your beliefs. I am constantly asked to "explain myself" by family members and a few friends that knew me before I began my search for logic and rationality.

Once again. I cannot stress this enough.
SHOW. YOUR. WORK.

If you were to ask me anything, about what I believe... I can give you websites, personal experiences, quotes, books, and countless other sources. I can, and will if asked, show you the things I believe and why it is that I believe them. Tell me. Can you do that? or better yet, will you.

This is the time.

The first entry, of many to come, is my personal story. I dislike hearing people talk about certain subjects when they have no connection or root set within that particular subject. I feel that to understand my views and opinions, you must first understand me.

I am 20 years old, 21 on Sept 9th. I was born to a mother who wasn't married at the time, and thought my father was her soul mate. He left soon after I was born to pursue a lifestyle that my mother and myself could not be a part of. My childhood is important to my stance on Christianity and religion today. My father, for all intensive purposes, was and is a devout Baptist. My mother was raised in a Pentecostal church by my grandparents, who still attend this church and are by my standards, very radical Christians. During my childhood, there was a visitation agreement between my grandparents and my parents, where I went to my grandparents house every 1st and 3rd weekend of the month. The other two were spent at home. I went to a Pentecostal church 50% of the time and a Baptist the other 50%. I was told constantly as a child, by my grandmother, that my father was sending me to hell by taking me to his church. I was then told by my father that I shouldn't listen to the things my grandmother was telling me because the devil had control of her and God did not condone their church or actions. I would watch my father read his bible for hours, studying and making himself into a servant of the Lord, at least on the outside. Inside, there was screaming and fighting. I remember several times my nose and face felt the impact of his holiness. I remember sitting in church and not daring to move, barely breathing, because his hand rested under my dress to pinch my thigh if he thought I wasn't paying attention. I remember the nights of crying, wondering why my father hated me and condemned me to hell every night before bed when we would say our prayers. I remember wondering why they always ended with "please forgive Hampton for the many sins she has committed. I pray she straightens her act out before it is to late." This went on and on until I at the age of 16, moved out. Like all pent up angry christian children, when I finally had the chance to break free, I ran as fast as I could into the arms of anything considered unholy. I was promiscuous every moment I could get away with it. I snorted all sorts of substances until I couldn't see straight. I broke every law and rule I had ever known. I was a wreck and headed for the depths of hell with a smile on my face.

I was woken up by the love of my life, my boyfriend and soon to be husband. He reached out and pulled me up, not into the arms of the Lord or anything associated with religion. He simply saw me, broken and hurt and scared and he loved me. There was no fixing me. There was no "put on a skirt and then I'll love you". He never once asked "Are you a christian" or "Do you go to church" which are both questions I heard for years and years. As if these two questions were the defining factor in who I was as a person. He showed me the love that my father talked about and my grandmother claimed to show. Unconditional love. Love that lasts and doesn't break due to a curse word here or a decision made there. Through him I met my best friend. She embodies everything I could ever strive to be. Opinionated. Honest. Real. Outgoing. Courageous. A devoted wife and terrific mother. She is without a doubt, the strongest person I know. And I don't say that to butter her up, as she often says when I praise her. I simply say it as fact. The fact of, without her pushing me to be better and do more, this blog would not have come to light. I would not have had the guts or the determination to stand for what I do and don't believe in. With that said. Let me enlighten you on what that is.

I am an Atheist, by definition, one who disbelieves or denies the existence of God or gods. Atheism is not a religion. Atheism is the absence of theism. Atheism is a disbelief. It is not meant, in my opinion, to compete with Christianity or any other religion. It is simply there to ask them to "show their work" and provide scientific evidence or studies that would support such outrageous beliefs. Due to our society and its endless need to classify everyone and everything into a subgroup, the title of Atheist is what fits me best. I do not however, completely agree with everything that I know about Atheism. I am a free thinker and a secular humanist. I believe in the morality of people, as a whole. I believe that if we could stop hating and fighting each other, for just a moment, the things we could accomplish would be astonishing. I attend church, a Unitarian Universalist church. I love and look foreword to Sunday mornings, where I can be myself and dwell on the things I wish to dwell on. I can sit, and hear a "sermon" about helping others, about speaking out for those who don't have a voice. There is no pressure there to "be holier" or to "pray harder". None of that is relevant. This group of people come together for one common goal, to better themselves as individuals through learning and positive acting/thinking towards others.

My second belief that I should address, is my stance on abortion. I am 110% Pro Choice. There is not one fiber in my being that feels any pro birth stance. I use the term pro birth and not pro life because a friend of mine brought a few truths to my attention. She pointed out that most pro life supporters do not care about what happens to the baby after birth. They simply feel you should have the baby, regardless of your situation, relationship status, or financial state. Then once it's born, they could care less what happens to it. Sickening. I am Pro Choice for many reasons. The main and most important reason is that I believe my life is worth something. I am Pro Choice because for me to believe anything else is to devalue and harm women, children, families, and my country. I myself have had an abortion. I do not have the Scarlett A on every shirt I owe. I love myself more for the strength and courage it took me to make that decision and follow through. To say you are pro life is to say that you care more about a fetus, who doesn't have a heartbeat until week 5, than you do the living breathing person. Abortions will never go away completely. You will never convince the entire nation of the morality or immorality of abortion. You will only change the choice the women has to make, whether or not she is willing to break the law and risk her life. Backdoor abortions will spread like wildfire. This fight, if won by pro birthers, will never result in anything positive. For me, there is no second thought. If its not my body, I have no say over it. I have no say over anything else anyone does to their body, be it a hair cut or a tattoo... why should this be any different.

The third major belief I want to talk about is also a sore subject for most, but I feel that it should be talked about just as much as abortion or religion. Gay rights. Let me say this now. I will not be politically correct about this and I will not word this in a way that makes it easier to swallow. The hatred in this country among, guess who, "christians" is appalling. Not only does it go against anything you've ever said about your god and religion, but it under minds you as a person. It shows that you are no better than those who endorsed and condoned slavery. I personally, have many friends who are gay. This is not some choice that they just "decided" upon one day. You do not choose your sexuality. Plain and simple. Love knows no boundaries. It crosses race lines and gender lines. The fact that our country has made a debate out of their rights, is disgusting. I want to live in a a country that values all of its citizens, regardless of sexual preferance. When you spread hatred, what do you expect to gain in return? I believe your bible tells you that "you will reap what you sow".