Rejoicing while in Tears - 4/21/2015
Now, first of all, I'm not actually in tears at the moment. (At least not externally) A quick update for the few of you who knew; I did not get the job in GA.
I received an email yesterday from the man who I had the phone interview with and he, graciously, said that I was not selected for another interview. As I read that email, my heart sunk in my chest. There was not necessarily a sense of relief, but a sense of melancholy shock. "That's it? So, it's over. The wait is over. No more praying for this job and no more worrying. Now what?" I will be honest, my eyes did well up with tears for a few brief moments, but they were quickly dismissed.
Along with this, many other things have been happening. Some of which I can say, some I cannot. I've been under some serious pain and, long story short, it's not terminal, but it's still here. This pain, that the doctors call Status Migranosis (a prolonged complicated migraine), has been here for over a month. I'm still waiting for, and seeking for a job. My grades and schoolwork have plummeted. Overall, I guess I'm what you call depressed. There is more going on, but I cannot go into much detail. I have not turned to the Lord in this; I've turned to myself. I've turned to things that seem to hold promises, but always lead to more destruction.
This morning, while at Starbucks, I have been reading the first chapter of James. First of all, what a beautiful book of the Bible, and what a practical chapter. Joy, trials, testing, faith, wisdom, God, doubts, boasting, lowly, humiliation, blessing, crown of life, promise, temptation, desire, good gifts, perfect gifts, Father of lights, truth, and more are all found in verses 2-18. These are things that, at least I do, think about daily. Not every one of them, but most of them, in some form or another. Why do I say this? Because, we all go through trials, temptation, frustration, disappointments, and suffering. Along with death, these things all humans come to face with in their life. If they say they don't, then they are most frustrated of all. Douglas J. Moo, in his commentary notes two main themes that can be found in the text. First, the endurance of trials. And second, spiritual wholeness, and integrity.
As I have read James before, I always seem to pick up on the endurance of trial, namely, because it is in verse 2, right at the beginning of the letter. But, this idea of spiritual wholeness is a theme that, as Moo states, "So broad is this motif that the other issues James raises in vv. 2-18 can also be related to it." The true and good endurance of trials, in Christ Jesus, results in the spiritual wholeness of the soul. "Count[ing] it all joy..." results in spiritual wholeness. It is more than just good for us, but it is necessary. It is more than a nice thing to do, but it is the, if I may be so bold, the difference between life and death. Look at vv. 5-8, the Lord gives wisdom generously, but those who doubt "must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord." (v. 7) This is a terrifying statement because I doubt. I doubt more than I would like. I doubt, frankly, all the time. I want to not doubt, but my natural inclination tells me it is better to doubt. Doubting allows me to be in control, not God. Doubting allows me to dictate the outcome, not trust in the sovereignty of God. Doubting God makes me god. How would I feel if someone came up to me for advice, training, or something else, and instead of actually listening to my instruction, doubted my every word? This would make me, most likely, respond by saying, "Why did you come to me in the first place if you didn't want help?" I guess we, I, do this to God because he is less personable. Let me clarify, as compared to another human who is right in front of me, I do not sense God in these ways.
I hope to dive into this passage more in the future, but let me conclude by asking for prayer, and saying that I will be praying for you. We all doubt. We all distrust God. But God, in His infinite wisdom and glory, will be brought more glory by us trusting in His Word, and by relying on, and in His promises. Similar as to when a person comes up to me for advice (Which I am not saying is like prayer and God) I feel good because they value my word above their own. I feel good. In a perfect and holy way, God it given the glory He is due by having us trust in His Word, without doubting, without wavering, in faith, by grace.
Let's pray for this, together!
Thank you!
"Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
and let us exalt his name together." Psalm 34:3
